Confusion
by Archer of Ecclesia
Summary: Sometimes, Willow just wanted to be a kid again. Everything was so much simpler. But, it was grown-up time. Angsty/fluffy one-shot.


** A.N: Ello, me duckies! Bloody hell, bet you all thought I was dead. I'm not that easy to get rid of!**

** This FanFic is kinda personal... I recently became open in my social life, and it's very scary. But it's still exciting, and new, and awesome. This is dedicated to anyone who's still in the closet - there is nothing wrong with being gay. It's not unnatural, or wrong, or gross... I go to a close-minded church, and I'm proof that allies are everywhere. If you ever need anything, reach out, and I promise I'll help in whatever way I can.**

** No specific time frame here, just during Season Four, before Where the Wild Things Are, but after their little rose-levitation spell screwed itself up. And this might be a bit AU, it's heavier on abuse and sexism and homophobia, all three of which suck major ass.**

** Oh, if you're wondering about my hiatus, I got self-conscious. More than half these stories I am very un-proud of, and I just decided to keep this pen name and start a new style. **_**Frozen Winds **_**is too popular for me to quit this account.**

** Disclaimer: If I owned Buffy, Tara wouldn't have died. Or, if she did, I would've brought her back. This is just a FanFiction, and I'm just a lazy bum who can't write her own ideas. You know the rap.**

**0-0-0**

Sometimes, Willow Rosenberg just wanted to go back to kindergarten. She wanted to break that yellow crayon again and wear those stupid overalls and pull her hair back into pigtails. Everything was so much easier back then. She could just have a normal, straight crush on Xander. Even when he ran around naked after going swimming and not wanting his shorts wet.

But, nope, it was grown-up time. College time, to be exact. And with the maturity came the confusion, all stuffed into the form of Tara Maclay.

Willow sighed, staring at the ceiling in her and Buffy's dorm room. The Slayer had gone out on her nightly patrols, and had been gone for nearly a half hour, leaving Willow to her thoughts. Boring, boring thoughts.

_I should be studying_, she told herself, pouting. _Not moping around_.

Buffy still believed that Willow was still upset about Oz hooking up with Veruca and then taking off, but it was quite the opposite. The witch was kinda glad he was gone.

She still cared for him, and loved him, but more like... a brother, than anything, as wrong as that sounded. Willow didn't get that fire in her stomach when they brushed hands, not like when she and Tara had shared their powers when they moved the vending machine. It might've just been the magic, but then again, it might not have.

_Does everything have to be all weird around her? Is it against Scooby laws to have a normal friend? _It was, actually. Probably stated in the Slayer's Handbook and everything. _I miss her already_.

"What do you think, Amy? Think I should call her?" Willow rolled from her back to her stomach, staring at the rat in the cage. Amy looked up at her, winked one eye, and went back to munching on a sunflower seed. "I'll take that as a yes."

Just as she readjusted her ruffled shirt, the phone began to ring. _Heh, it's that weird telepathy we have, I bet_.

"Hey!" Willow squeaked. She blushed in embarrassment. For some reason, she sounded like a pre-pubescent Xander when she got too excited, especially around Tara. "I mean, uh, hey."

"Hey, Willow. H-how are you?" Tara stuttered.

Willow smiled. She always thought that stutter was adorable, even if it was sad. "I'm lonely. Buffy's gone out on patrol, and I don't have anywhere to go. You know anyone who's bored and lonely too?"

"A-actually, I do. She's sitting up in my dorm room and using my phone. And she's thinking a-about you spending the night." Willow was already reaching for the spellbook on transfiguration she kept beside her bed. "B-but no spells tonight. Just a girl's night. If that's okay with you, I mean."

"I think I'm looking forward to meeting this mysterious person. Tell her I'll be up in five minutes," the redhead giggled. "And that I'm packing right now."

Tara giggled back, and Willow stopped dead in her tracks. That sound was enough to make her heart jump into her throat and threaten to suffocate her. She smiled again, placed the phone into the cradle, and began to get ready.

Willow rapped lightly on the door to Tara's dorm. She had her puppy-paw-print overnight bag pressed against her chest, trying to hide her little surprise.

Tara cracked the door open and smirked, stepping aside. "H-hey."

"Hiya!" Willow giggled, stepping past Tara and throwing her bag into the corner, hiding the little present behind her back. "Guess what."

"What?" Tara smirked, sitting on the foot of her bed.

Willow smiled, staring at the woman as she backed up, keeping the surprise between herself and the bookshelf. Tara had brushed her hair back for the first time since... ever, looking more beautiful than ever when she wasn't hiding behind her bangs. Willow remembered that she was supposed to be talking. "You're going to have to guess or you're not getting it."

The blonde witch smiled. "You brought me something?" Willow nodded, biting her lip. As Tara rose, her heart fluttered. "That was really sweet of you."

Not able to hide it any longer, Willow brought her hands around and held the rose out for Tara. "I... um, I think we kinda broke the other rose. So I wanted to bring you this one. For non-magical purposes, just something to look at. And I thought you'd like it, since you're really pretty and the rose is really pretty, and, um... here."

Tara blushed, taking the rose and placing it on her spellbook-covered desk. "I-I'll get a vase later."

"So, what are we doing on this magic-free fun girl's night?" Willow asked, bouncing in excitement. "I really don't care, as long as we get to hang out."

"I-I-I was just thinking we could stay here. A-and talk. Since all we ever do i-is do spells. N-not that there's anything wrong with that, I love doing magic with you, but... I thought it'd be nice to know you more."

Willow smiled. "Sounds good."

0-0-0

Tara giggled again. The sound made Willow feel like she was floating far above cloud nine, like she could never get sick of listening to her laugh. "And Xander _ate_ it?"

Willow nodded and said, "Every bit. He didn't even notice something was wrong until he got sick."

"Wow. And what'd he do then?" Tara had been engrossed in the story of how a five-year-old Xander had went on a 'date' with Willow. Willow had made dinner, since their parents wouldn't let them go anywhere.

Willow hadn't been expecting for Xander to eat the chicken-esque arrangement of Play-Doh, but she wasn't stopping him.

She snorted. "He dumped me."

Tara smiled with that gorgeous lopsided smile, then ducked her head, staring at the bed. "S-s-s-so I-I take it y-you don't have much luck w-with the boys, huh?"

"Nope," Willow mumbled, collapsing against the bed. "My werewolf boyfriend left me for another werewolf, then took off. How 'bout you?"

"P-p-pardon?" Tara's stuttering was getting worse. Never a good sign.

"You doing better than I am? Well, I'm sure you are. Since you're not a complete doofus. And you're really pretty. And, wow, I just keep interrupting you, so I'll just shut up."

Tara stared at the bed and picked at a loose thread on the sleeve of her baggy red sweater. "I-I-I-I d-d-don't re-re-really c-care for guys. N-not worth the trouble."

Willow rolled her eyes. "I don't believe you. There's got to be some dude who's not a complete dick. And, wow, what kind of irony is that?"

The blonde witch smiled lightly. "W-w-w-w-w-what I'm trying to say is that I-I'm... you know, gay." Tara had came out to one person, her mother. Who happened to be dead. But, then, there was that wonderful little redhead sitting on her bed who knew. Naturally, she was nervous of Willow's reaction.

"Oh. That's... nice. I think it's sweet you told me. It's kinda scary, thinking that you might be gay, since it's not normal. Well, not 'not normal'," she said, quoting with her fingers, making Tara smirk. "But... it's just different."

"Are you gay, too?" Tara asked, sounding somewhat hopeful. Willow just brushed it off, thinking it was just that Tara wanted someone like her around. When, in fact, Tara was hopeful of the exact same thing Willow was.

_Do you like me_? Willow wanted to ask, because she wanted the answer to be yes, because she figured out why everything was all so weird. But, instead, she rambled.

"I really don't know. I mean, I know, that in another reality, there's a vampire me who's gay, because a vengeance demon came to our school to grant a wish for Cordelia, and the wish went wrong, and she lost her pendant, and then she fooled me into trying to get it back from the reality where she lost it but-" Willow sucked in a breath, "-I interrupted the spell and I accidentally brought the vampire me over from the other Sunnydale instead."

Tara rose her eyebrows, still hiding behind her bangs. "S-so there's a different you who's gay?"

Willow nodded. "It kinda freaked me out at first, so I just ignored it. But, since Oz left, there's been some time to think about everything. I'm not sure how it all adds up, but all I know is that... he was really special to me, but I think that the only reason I dated him for so long was because I kept telling myself I'd... be normal, if I could just hold onto him. Wow, I really sound like a bigot, being so afraid of being gay. But, I think I might be."

Tara smiled. "T-that's cool."

0-0-0

_Just keep your mouth shut you stupid bitch don't you dare screw this up you're a nasty disgusting demon and there's no way in hell she'll ever like you_- Tara chewed on her lip, trying to keep herself from crying. She knew the voice in the back of her head was all too right.

She knew that Willow was too good for her, that she was a nasty demon that no one could ever like, and that she was better off keeping quiet. Better than to relive the whole Mary incident. "And I-I told her, and she just looked at me like I was... so gross, and I never felt so filthy."

"Mary sounds like a complete jerk," Willow mumbled, scooting closer to Tara.

_Please, just think I'm crying because of her_. "S-sh-she wasn't, not really. I-I-I just jumped to conclusions and I had to pay the p-price, I guess."

"Well," Willow huffed, "If you can't even consider how mean she was, when she clearly hurt so badly, then I think you need a lesson."

_"You need to learn a lesson, you stupid dyke," Donny hissed, slapping Tara again. "This is how the demon starts to come out. You start acting like demons do."_

_ Tara whimpered as she was slapped again, roiling hot pain burning across her face and emerging as an ashamed blush. She staggered backwards and wiped away her stray tears, sniffling. _Just keep quiet and this'll end sooner_, she told herself. It always worked that way_.

Tara whimpered again, Willow's eyes widening. _Just keep quiet, and she'll forget you eventually, and you get to move on without the pain of another rejection_.

"Oh, God, sweety, are you okay? Was it something I said?" Willow asked, using her sleeve to wipe away Tara's hot tears. "Mary doesn't deserve you, not now, not ever. She's not worth it, so don't beat yourself up over it."

"I-i-i-i-i-it's not th-th-that," Tara stammered, taking in a deep breath and trying to calm herself and stop stuttering.

"Then what is it?" Willow's eyes darkened, and Tara flinched. She had just gotten angry, and beneath that layer of cuteness and snuggles and fluffiness, there was something very, very bad.

"Y-you're mad," Tara stated. "C-calm down first."

Willow sighed, taking in a deep breath. Tara watched in slight horror as the darkness receded back into the depths, disappearing beneath a layer of fuzziness. She needed to make sure that Willow stayed happy, and that she knew the consequences of rage, especially since she was as powerful as she was. Tara shook her head, clearing her mind and joining their hands.

0-0-0

_OhGodohGodohGod we're touching hands I like where this is going_, Willow thought to herself, before a tidal wave of memory slammed into her, drowning her in sorrow.

Tara was using a projection spell with her memories, and showing Willow something terrible.

A shapeless man loomed over Tara, who's hair was disheveled and face was tear-stained. A bright red mark burned on her cheek. Willow growled. "Hey, knock that the fuck off!"

The man hit Tara again before hissing at her. "Women aren't nothin' without men. So why do you think it's okay to have 'sex' with another girl? You're already dirt, you little cunt! Don't need to be more worthless 'n you already are!"

"I-I-I-I-I n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nev-v-v-v-er di-di-d-did anything with a-a-a-a-a gi-g-girl. I-I-I was j-j-j-just s-s-saying that-that-that-that's who I am!" Tara wailed.

The man wrenched Tara off the ground. By her hair. Something inside Willow snapped and she lunged forward, but nothing happened to the shadow she tackled.

"That's _what_ you are. Disgusting," the man snarled, throwing her down. The pungent scent of alcohol leaked off his breath, and even if it was a projection, Willow retched at it.

Willow felt wobbly as Tara stopped transferring her memories. Her head spun and made her fall down even though she was still sitting up on the bed, staring at Tara. Their hands were still locked together. She interlaced their fingers and squeezed. "That's horrible."

"That was my brother. Day before I left for Sunnydale. That was his worst day ever, but I've been beaten before," Tara mumbled, stutter-free. Willow wanted to cry, since she felt that the absence of the stutter had to do with her acceptance of the situation. "I was always slapped and kicked and punched. I had to be home-schooled because the teachers got suspicious when I always went in with busted lips and limps."

"No one ever did _anything_?" Willow whispered.

"There was one time, I came in with a bruise on my neck, to school, I mean. This was before I told her, and Mary saw it, and she came over and kissed it. But I b-blurted it out that I had a crush on her and she thought I-I just used make-up to attract attention."

_There's so much sadness in this one woman, I'm surprised she's still here_, Willow thought to herself.

Tara leaned in and rested her head on Willow's shoulder.

The redhead let it happen.

0-0-0

Tara was content with this. She had a friend who cared. That was all that mattered.

Willow still had their hands locked together. Electricity had long since chewed Tara's arm numb. She smiled lightly as Willow squeezed her even tighter. "Which cheek was it?"

"What?" Tara twisted her head around, staring into Willow's green eyes. If a generator had been coursing its power up her arm before, there was a power plant in Willow's gaze.

"Do you remember which one he hit?"

Tara tapped her left cheek and gasped as Willow kissed it. "Since Mary wouldn't do this, I guess it's my job."

Fire coursed through her as Willow placed her lips against her other cheek. "I'm sure he hit this one too. And there's your poor tummy, but I think a nice massage will take care of that. Since that ranges on naughty touching, if I kiss it. And your poor hair, it must've hurt when he pulled it."

Willow ran her fingers through the honey-blonde locks. Tara sighed in content, moving closer. _This is Heaven_, Tara blushed. She had to fight a hitch in her breath when Willow placed her thumb on her bottom lip, lightly tracing it with the pad.

"I, um... can I kiss here, too? Since he gave you lots of bloody lips?"

Tara didn't know how to respond. Willow was asking if she could kiss her. She just nodded. She shut her eyes and nearly exploded when Willow pressed her lips against her own. She pulled away, but Willow kissed her again and again. "I said he gave you lots of ouchies, so you need lots of kisses."

_0-0-0_

_There is no way this can be wrong_, Tara told herself, and to the voices of Donny and her father that prowled in the back of her mind. _If it is, I don't think there's anything right_.

_This is worth a little confusion_, Willow told herself. _This wonderful woman is worth anything_.

0-0-0

**A.N: About damn time. That took forever. Love you all. Stay outta mah shed.**


End file.
